The divorce is final, now.
Only choking up once, I read the following statement into the divorce record. My ex stood mute throughout.
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This is a time I’ve dreaded. I never wanted this divorce. I knew [she] and I had problems, but thought they were connected to our financial struggles. I loved my wife and love my boys and would do anything for them.
I’ve been through dozens of books on marriage, relationships, and infidelity, and many, many hours of counseling on why things turned out the way they did – why I was the way I was and why she did the things she did. I wanted to go through all of it – and every letter I sent to her - again to prepare for this day, this very moment. But why? It’s sad and terribly depressing. Re-living those things won’t change what happened and will only serve to hurt me again.
My father passed away on July 4, 2006. He and I were very close & I was devastated - especially when she seemed to not care or not care enough. When a son loses his father, vulnerabilities can set in. In 3 short years after my father died, I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve been betrayed by my wife, as well as an older sister. I’ve suffered wrongful and false allegations to justify her behavior and to make it appear to everyone that I deserved everything she's done and lied about. It brought her sympathy and attention, exactly what, I believe, she became attached to during her affair.
I’ve lost my wife, my sons, a dream farm, my right to possess and carry a firearm – many of the things I love most in this life - including missing out on my son, Christian’s very first day of school, his very first year of baseball and the privilege and joys of teaching chess in my boys’ school. It’s as if I had been cast into the wilderness.
When her marital unfaithfulness first became evident to me, I set about to get off all prescribed medication. I felt it may have negatively changed me. My own doctor, who prescribed the medications, did not see what it was doing to me. I faced down a terrible addiction I’ve had beginning in April 2008 to prescribed narcotics in the form of oxymorphone. For 11 days I went through the most horribly painful withdrawals in an effort to save my marriage and to better myself. Except for an occasional Tylenol or Motrin, I haven’t taken a pain med of any kind since May 21, 2009, my son’s 8th birthday.
At the age of 40, I’m starting over with nothing. I’ve always been a motivated, solid person, but I have weaknesses. I try to be an up-standing man of God, of good moral, sound character and judgment, an honest husband and father. I inadvertently scorned my wife, publicly, after finding sexual pictures of her and another man. I have been paying for that ever since. She has re-written our marriage and relationship history in her mind and will likely try to make me pay for her offenses until she comes to grips with her own personal, psychological, and moral issues.
A person’s ability to handle life’s challenges can be a measure of strength of character and often faith. I’ve learned from the wisdom of others God has put in my life at one time or another, through trial by fire, personal tragedy, being lost and alone while going through hard times – the same hard times in which others have turned to drugs, alcohol, and even suicide - yet I’ve turned away from those things.
My marriage has given me an abundance of laughter AND tears. The good times – I put in my pocket to savor. The hard times went into my heart and into my soul and built upon my character.
For the last few months and despite the setbacks, I feel it’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out and is evident to everyone.
I feel good, healthy, solid, and better than I ever did while being on any medication.
I cannot deny that she is partially responsible for some of the success that I may claim and she’d be wrong to deny that I am not partially responsible for her successes. But I cannot find it in me to love her anymore – not as a wife, anyway. She had, and neglected to take advantage of, a sizeable window of opportunity to repair and work through our problems but that is gone, now, and I feel sorry for her. It’s sad. There has been too much dishonesty throughout her betrayal and infidelity. She will probably continue to project her guilt and shame towards me and try to create stories and excuses for her behavior to our sons and her family for the rest of her life. I have to prepare for that and yet I am still confident that in time, they will see and know the truth. Everyone will.
Having been completely broken and gone through all that I have, I feel bulletproof, as if I can do anything and withstand anything – physically, mentally, emotionally and without being numb. Except for the loss of my sons, nothing will ever hurt me worse than I’ve already been hurt. As a result, I feel a sense of obligation to help others, compelled to share the fact that no matter how difficult a life may become, or how hard the shots come at someone, no matter what lies someone says about them, there is always reason to keep on going and fighting – no matter what. I survived great loss, the worst of addictions, the worst of marriage circumstances and infidelity, watching and trying my best to help my hurting and confused children as they experience the same pain and then watching as my children were removed from my life.
The worst has come in the last few weeks as I find pictures of my sons posted on the internet, with the new man in her life - while I am forbidden to have any contact with them. I don’t know how any father can endure that pain.
I hope and pray that I will be able to speak to, hug and interact with my children very, very soon.
And yet, in spite of this, I am still thriving – the right way. I am told that I’ve inspired and empowered some around me to understand that no experience in their lives is too difficult to overcome. No defeat is permanent and no failure is too overwhelming.
I’ve learned to look beyond temporary setbacks and understand that God has a plan in all of this. I pray to be reunited with my sons, and to find forgiveness towards [her].
